Sunday, March 11, 2012

Brutality in marriage, relationship

I chanced upon  the write up by Meena Kandasamy , in Outlook magazine, about the abusive relationship she was in.

With mounting shock , I went though it . I could not believe my eyes - Meena known for her bold literary achievements, a popular young writer who is a celebrity? Was it a real life story , or a piece of fiction?. Went though to the last line, validating along the way, I found it could be her story. Brutalised, scarred. sad.

Why will anyone write in detail,  about their relationship, baring their heart out? Intimate life becomes a open book, for all, to open anytime and refer to. It needs a lot of courage put the agonizing moments in a relationship ,in words .

May be it gave the author a sense of deliverance sharing it with other though print. It might be setting her free of the events, the shock and the aftermath.

And I hope it did . She is someone who has a wonderful potential to enjoy life and what it offers her. She is not meant to be under some Rakshasha who can posses her body  and soul.

I am sure she is already on to a healing process, and has taken  advices from experts in the field.

I can only wish her to get well soon.

But this post is not only about Meena.

In case you have seen the comments to that article in outlook, there are some people who have hidden under  "male unblocked" and " YHWH',who have vented their frustration in vague sentences. It looks like they are very much against Meena. Secondly, they are cribbing that the males will never talk about their relationships openly, and no media is interested in publishing their point of view.

I only feel, if they find that media is unwilling to publish  their version ,why don't they publish articles in newspapers, cribbing about their life, as an advertisement? who is stopping them from  writing blogs , as many as they want?

 I agree men too suffer in marriages. But they do not have courage to face it. They want to cover it up, to show the world they are macho and the everything is perfect. If it is failure, they feel, the world will treat them as incapable, and they want to be capable you see?

Many of the men who brutalise their wives , are insecure. Insecurity in their outside life, makes them behave like a tyrant inside the house. They are in control only at the house, outside they pretend to be very good, pliable and obliging. But all the time, their anger is building up and they have to release the frustration at home. If the partner is willing to cooperate in this show of strength, gone!!!. From day one the territory is marked, and the woman has to continue to endure abuses, brutality and give up her body , identity and  wont stop short till it claims her soul too. She is left mute and soulless, and the release comes when one of them dies.

This was the pattern in abusive marriages, in our country. The women used to suffer, only the family knew it. No word will spread outside. The society expected her to continue for the sake of children, financial security and " pativrata" image. Lack of support from parents and fear of destitution left them with no choice. And a separate chapter  is needed to write about the  children growing up in such atmosphere. This behaviour was not connected to educated persons or rich or poor. It happened in all societies and economic strata.

But those days are gone. Male unblocked can vent his feeling now, he can go to family, to court, to the parents on both sides, community and get solace. He can forge new liaisons and get out of the marriage too.

Similarly, now , I am relieved that woman have come out in the open about abusive men. The man in question may be a famed professor / write/publisher/ smart political personality/rickshaw puller/coolie/goonda, whatever.

Women are not scared to say what happened. They are not scared , to share their suffering. They want others to know it. They have financial freedom, they have education, they have faith in themselves , and know that their own identity is most important to live life.

 Even after loosing all, in a  abusive relationship,they can build their life once again.

They are moving on, finding  better mates, who can understand them, and treat them as equals.

But, it takes time to catch up. Parents, society, siblings need to give support. I understand the institution of marriage is crumbling, but if marriage is among unequal partners, and it is only brutalisation, it is better to let it crumble.

All those marriages where love and understanding, sharing, rules, is still very strong. There are many young men, who are caring, want their wives to have a good life and are interested in encouraging them to pursue their interests. And it is heartening to not that their tribe is growing.

So back to Meena's story and the comments. I do not know whether it is true or only a story, but it happened to a educated young achiever , is sad.

Whether male unblocked is having any problems , I do not know.

Men and women need to accept that there are problems in their marriages, or with their personalities.

Once they accept and face the issue,, they can  seek  professional  advice from experts, specialists. Find out whether they can solve their problems , if they can give a try to get back their life , with love.

If not it is better to end it and move on, instead of being violent/ bitchy. It is better for them and better for the society.


  1. Hi Jayalakshmi,

    I too read the piece in Outlook and was horrified by the comments. The story by itself was sad - but the comments just made my blood boil. Thanks for writing about this.

  2. Many thanks for your kind comment on my blog:

    We are indeed very fortunate to live in a city where living standards are high and there is much going on not only in making the life of citizens better in terms of their physical requirements, but also there is catering for their spiritual and aesthetic needs.

    Your post above is interesting although distressing. Abusive relationships ar every sad and the victim as wella the perpetrator of the violence need help and support. You may like to read my post on another of my blogs:

  3. absolutely, they can and should move on. certain things in our society has to change and the major obstacle here is our mentality. nice post.

  4. Hi Anne John ,
    Welcome here.

    Yes, ,it made my blood boil too, and I sat down then and there and wrote.
    If all the women bring up their sons to respect every other women won't the world be a better place?

  5. Nick, Welcome here,
    I am glad you publish so much about Melbourne where my niece lives. Of course she is not articulate yet, to share her views of the city.

    I am amazed at your tireless blogging skills. There is another blog I did not know?

    I will read it soon and share my thoughts.

    Meanwhile,I would like to say, most of the Indian men think they are god's gift to Indian women.That is their problem.They won't even consider going for therapy, even in dreams!!

  6. Thanks debajyoti. It is nice to know young people understand that such attitude is not the done thing. More and more youngsters are understanding that ladies need to have their won life and identity and they are to be respected.

    I see hope in the future, for a better society.

  7. Thanks for this post and for the link - I read the article. The man is a creep. Ugh. I think Meena sounds like a strong lady and will overcome. I'm so glad she took the first step of getting out of the abusive realtionship. A marriage is a partnership and like all partnerships works best on concern, understanding, consideration and respect for each other.

  8. Hi KayEm,
    Welcome here!
    Meena is a strong person. She will overcome this and I am sure this will reflect in her future writing.

  9. It is indeed sad, that such abusive people are there everywhere, not just in India. It is a universal problem.
    I have seen men also are ill treated by their spouses, for no apparent reason, seeing her behavior with her husband, the children too grow up abusing their father, I have seen it with my eyes, and I have even told them, to show more respect to their father.
    I have seen some men are very dominating too, they can't stand a women who seems to be more smart, or capable then them, even otherwise, they think they need to control every action of theirs.
    I have seen both men and women who go through such abusive relationship, remain silent, so that the superficial calm that is felt in the family is not lost or kindled.
    I sometimes really appreciate their tolerance spirit( however wrong it might be), their patience and their maturity.
    Dominating people may sail through this life safely, but they have to answer for their deeds at some other birth.
    Seeing such examples of people, makes me realize, how lucky I am to have a perfectly understanding husband, and I never fail to thank God for his blessings.
    Good to know you though Indiblogger.

  10. Hi Rama welcome to my page.

    You have put it very beautifully.
    When we rally see husband/ wives being ill treated or cast away as a " oh.. shut up"" kind of silence, we really feel bad for them. The verbal abuse too are abuses.It is a kind of violence too.

    We are lucky, and we are happy. But many are not. The children suffer most.

    Hope this trend of violence against women, men will change and people will marry with respect, and honest intentions for each other if not love.


  11. Very true, Jayalakshmi. If women conduct a few more effective steps and take up the cause with conviction, things will definitely get better.

    Women do not deserve the treatment meted out to them by us men. But it's been an issue since God knows how long.

  12. Sad but true that every woman face this oppression in her family or friendship or even in blogging. We always face much pblms we don't deserve. Need a strong-head/will to survive ahead.

  13. Welcome here Christy.
    This problem has gone on for long. It is time women asserted their individuality in the family , so that their children will respect women in society.

  14. Welcome to my pages, Vishal.
    And thanks for your thoughtful comments.

  15. I always think that after marriage, women dont belong to the man, but we become partners in a journey. After marriage instead of giving up our aspirations, likes and dislikes ,we must learn to adjust and keep our ego up too. Becoming a doormat to the husband just enables him to think that he can step on the women. Maintaining a unwavering high opinion about ourselves and education helps. Good thought provoking post.

  16. Thanks Meoww!

    Women have to preserve their self esteem, and not look into other props for happiness.That includes the man in their lives.
    Who can teach?


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